Dane Cook Quotes

How did Mary die?
A tire...hit her in the face!
Well what was Mary doing with her face near a tire?
No this tire hunted Mary down, this tire was out for vengeance, this tire wasn't fucking around.


And the Lord said "Peace be with you, I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye, as we ate Reesys Peacys with the Lord"


And the pickles...and the pickles....Chicken Nuggets with sweet sauce all over my body!


Slip and Slide! Would have been fun if Dad checked for rocks before he laid it down, Slip and Bleed from the anus they should have called it.


You dive in and the second you hit the bottom you were like "Get me outta here!! Where's the surface?!?"
And you always come up under the kid on the raft.
"Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me when I'm dying in the abyss!! Float away from me, float away!"


Where do I go?
Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me!
Ok ma'am you're gonna go to the Texaco Station make a right, go 5 1/2 miles until you see a guy in a yellow pancho. His name is Hanky and he'll take you to the whopper lair.


Fuck this game! Its four in the morning grandma! You WIN!! I'm sitting on Baltic with Crap! I'm paying luxury tax outta the ass!! And I hate it when you're the banker grandma, where'd all those pink fifties come from?! Get away from me grandpa, Nana, is a cheating whore!!


The movie Dune, is in my chocolaty drink!


I don't like when juice wears tights!


Yeah I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks


He had no peepee, no cash and prizes, no, bagok!, no scrummdittliumshous


My Dick feels like corn!


Suck my Back!