Random Quotes

Giving money and power to the gov is like giving alcohol and car keys to teenage boys

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do they all have to follow?

When I have a kid I'm gonna strap him to a twins stroller and run around the mall looking frantic

I have not failed - I just found 10,000 ways that don't work

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

My parents almost lost me as I child, but they didn't bring me deep enough into the woods

I'm not completely useless, I can be used as a bad example

On the other hand........you have different fingers

What WOULDN'T Jesus do?

Last night I played a blank tape on full blast. The next morning the mime next door was angry

If guys got periods they'd compare tampons

There are three types of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't

Sex is like fishing...you never know what you'll catch

If the penny was lucky in the first place it wouldn't have been dropped

Please God if you can't make me thin than make everyone else fat

When the squirrels come after you that's when you know you're nuts

You're as slow as a slug walking through peanut butter

She got her good looks from her father....he's a plastic surgeon

Sex - do it for the kids

Roofies - getting ugly guys laid since 1979